The worst romances in video games

If you’re alone this Valentine’s, at least you are not one of these couples

Love and romance are both popular themes in video games, and a well-written relationship can really tug at the heartstrings. These relationships are not that. In fact, all of these are so toxic that you will be thanking your lucky stars that you’re single. They range from the comically bad, to straight up serial killer vibes and everything in between. Not having a date for Valentine’s Day never felt so good.

Beyond: Two Souls

Really any of David Cage’s games could be put here and rightly so, from Indigo Prophecy’s QTE sex scene with a ghost, to Heavy Rain’s romantic scene that immediately follows Ethan’s admission that he thinks he’s a child murderer. However, Beyond: Two Souls takes the prize here for just how completely evil Ryan is towards Jodie.

In Heavy Rain, Ethan wasn’t really a child murderer, but Ryan sure is. Not only does he love murdering anyone and everyone that comes from a country that isn’t America, but he manipulates Jodie into killing the president of Somalia and causing a civil war. While the pair have shared hardly any bonding experiences outside of the horrors of war, somehow they fall in love. Manipulating a civil war isn’t enough to dissuade Jodie, who has fallen hard for his dreamy eyes.

Ride to Hell: Retribution

Romance is sort of a strong word for this, and it might feel a bit like picking low-hanging fruit to choose a game that is objectively terrible by every measure. However, I included it because I need as many people as possible to know about Ride to Hell: Retribution, which is a strong contender for one of the worst games of all time.

There are several women that our protagonist Jake will ‘romance’ over the course of the game. Mostly this is women who drop their panties at the mere sight of Jake beating up some people and destroying property. Only the panties don’t drop. What follows is a completely clothes-on sex scene, where they both thrust and writhe in pleasure all, jeans and T-shirts firmly on. A bizarre choice, and even more bizarre watch.

Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)

It might surprise you to find out that Sonic has ever had a romantic storyline, and to Sega’s credit, it only really made that mistake once. While Sonic and Amy Rose have an on-again-off-again thing going on, it’s sadly not the romance that I am talking about. In 2006, Sega decided that Sonic should have a romance with a human child.

We see cutscenes of Sonic and Princess Elise flirting with each other, and running joyfully through fields of flowers. This is made all the more comical by the fact that Elise is realistically rendered, and thus twice the height of the blue blur. Then when Sonic is unconscious Elise decides it’s completely normal and acceptable to plant a firm smooch on him. Bright white light obscuring it or not, sexual assault isn’t cool ma’am.

Metroid: Other M

One of the reasons people love the Metroid series is just how badass the protagonist Samus Aran is. She’s a bounty hunter who makes the toughest boss fights seem trivial. Once you power her up with her Varia Suit and all the weapons at her disposal she feels unstoppable. That’s the Samus we know and love, and that’s why fans were so excited for Metroid: Other M.

That’s not the Samus we got though. This is a Samus, who not only thinks that the metroid who saved her in Super Metroid is somehow her child, but one that sticks rigidly to whatever her supervisor tells her. Adam is the real protagonist here, and he won’t let Samus make a move without his say-so. Aside from the weird sub/dom relationship they have going on, Adam is the one who saves the world at the end of the day, just like everyone wanted.

Bayonetta 3

Bayonetta 2 has one of the most touching love stories in all of video games. When Jeanne is taken to Inferno, Bayonetta travels to the literal end of the Earth in order to save her. The pair's devotion to each other is clear, and this theme is continued into Bayonetta 3. On the other hand, Luca is clearly interested in Bayonetta, he seems a saucy playboy that Bayonetta has no time for.

Yet in Bayonetta 3, suddenly the pair are in love with no build-up at all, and Jeanne is there just fine with it. The story does have a multiverse, so it is possible that the Bayonetta who is in love with Luca, is not the same one who loves Jeanne. But at the same time, there is absolutely no reason for them to be so into each other. There is no development to their relationship, no build-up to their devotion. Then in the end they just decide to both kill themselves. No reason really. Just fancied hanging out in the underworld I guess.

Doki Doki Literature Club

It’s been a while now, so I think I can spoil Doki Doki Literature Club, but just in case go play it if you haven’t. It really is very good. Okay, are you ready? DDLC is one of the weirdest romance ever made, but weird in a good way. What starts out seemingly as a high school dating sim with four girls suddenly turns into a nightmare.

Each girl struggles with mental health issues, which doesn’t make the romances bad. In fact I would say that’s part of why the game is so good. It shows that people are flawed, and mental health is not just something a relationship can help with. However, the ending has one of the girls trap you in a room never to leave, obsessively talking about the future you have together. You have to delete her in order to escape, and if that isn’t toxic I don’t know what is. What makes this worse, is despite being obviously the most evil character, she’s also a fan favorite with plenty of fan fiction devoted to her.

Night Trap

This one isn’t really a romance game, so it’s kind of unfair to include it, but it is also completely wild. A family of vampires put their house up Airbnb-style, and a group of spritely teenagers decide to rent it out for the weekend. They then promptly decide to roam around in skimpy nightgowns. There’s definitely some will-they-won’t-they with the teenagers, so we’ll count it.

You control the various CCTV cameras around the house and watch as over a hundred men dressed in bin bags invade the house and attempt to murder the occupants. Luckily, the vampire family are just really into traps, which are set up around the house in such a way that you can suck the bin bag monsters into the nether. Or you can not set them off, and watch the kids get murdered. Up to you.

Pantsu Hunter: Back to the 90s

There are some very big budgets on this list and Pantsu Hunter is not one of them. What it is, is a puzzle-dating game about a man with an addiction to stealing and collecting panties from womens’ houses. The female characters are actually written exceedingly well, with strengths, flaws, and personality. The same cannot be said about our protagonist.

Even leaving aside his addiction to panty stealing, nothing that the protagonist says or does makes any sense. He constantly bemoans that his panty theft will one day ruin his reputation as a ‘jack of all trades’ whatever reputation they have. The game also opens with an introduction about how his leg was maimed in a motorcycle accident, and then never brings that point up again. This game stands as a bizarre curiosity.

Octodad: Dadliest Catch

I didn’t know whether to include this in the best or worst romances list. The relationship between the mum and the dad in Octodad is strangely touching. They carry out their day-to-day family duties without so much as a crossword with each other, and divide labor equally. A family so harmonious cannot possibly exist, but of course, there is a deep secret hiding under it all.

You are an octopus in a suit, and yet, you have managed to keep this from your wife for at least a decade judging by the children. Obviously, you probably shouldn’t keep something big like your species from your other half, honesty is the best policy and the cornerstone of trust. Yet, when it is revealed that you were a cephalopod all along, your wife isn’t even mad. One quip about where the kids came from and everyone is having a good old laugh.

Resident Evil 7

Resident Evil 7 is one of the best games in the series, it has amazing first-person action, and compelling antagonists to fight. What it doesn’t have is any common sense. You are lured to the Baker house by your estranged wife Mia who promptly attacks you with a chainsaw and cuts off your hand. While that wasn’t very cool of her, it is one of the less evil things she does. You find out that Mia was secretly helping develop a bioweapon, by tricking a young girl into thinking she’s her mother, while also running horrible tests on her. Mia then accidentally releases the bioweapon into the world destroying numerous lives.

You get the choice to save Mia, or Zoe, the daughter of the Baker family who helps you on your journey and sews your hand back on. Picking Zoe leads to the bad ending where both women die, showing that it was definitely not the choice you are supposed to make. While Mia is your wife, we never see why Ethan loves her so much. We only know Mia as the embodiment of evil, and while we’ve only just met Zoe, she has to be nicer than that? Right? What led the developers to think Mia was the sensible option we will never know.